forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
