I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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