I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
