I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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