and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
