Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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