Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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