SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
