Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There's always time for handjobs
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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