Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
