I want to walk on stilts...naked
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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