when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
