Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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