Soap is not a condiment
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
