i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
