dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
