Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
