yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
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