if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
