I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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