Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
