i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
