what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
