you guys were way drunker than both of me
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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