There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
