I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
