I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
