Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
