i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
