Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
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i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
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