It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
