I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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