Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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