Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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