The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
