my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
