put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
