$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting