Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
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I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
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Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.