What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
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Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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