Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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