tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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