i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
