2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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