we have pet lesbian snakes
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
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