Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
