Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...