Sry I called you an 8
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?