Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
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