I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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