it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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