I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm always down for nudity.
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