A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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