What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
