the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
