Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
