I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
