Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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