Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
