I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
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We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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