Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
