were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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