The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Even my vagina gasped.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
