Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
