after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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